I am a learner, a slow learner, but I learn my lesson.

Everything I’ve lived through led me to one truth: when I betray myself, I break. When I stay loyal to myself, magic happens. It’s that simple.

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I want to be someone else or I’ll explode.

When Radiohead said this, I felt that.. with every cell in my body.

Recently I realized something uncomfortable about myself.

I've realized that the second I say yes, I regret it. And, it's not like I hate committing.

When someone asks something of me, I'd say yes (even if I don't want to..). And the moment I do, it becomes an obligation. It feels life-or-death. Like I have to do it.

And it feels like I’ve lost my freedom.

Inside me, the having to and the wanting to are constantly fighting. And whenever the having to wins, I get lost.

It's because of a fear, the fear of not meeting expectations - expectations people have already created for their version of me. And this feels like a personal failure. And if I say no, I feel like I’m invalidating myself, I’m failing the Narmina character people carry in their heads. And if I say yes, I need to fully commit myself to *it*. (WHO CARES? WHO? CARES? Everyone has different version of Narmina in their mind in any way, right..?)

And I know that, it was solely my mistake that I already created that Narmina character -> who's been always conforming, couldn't turn down any ask.

When I was around people, I used to become a water-carrier, my brain would switch off, suddenly start acting dumb, had no self-editing mechanism: it would autosuggest "oh yeah, sure, yes, why not, of course!", unable to say no even if it doesn't serve her. The Narmina and my brain would lose connection, we'd become the people pleaser, an agreeable person.

And then, later, I had to deal with the consequences alone.

I shouldn't have said "yes".

I shouldn't have acted "nice".

I should've said, oh sorry, I did not mean to disappoint you, let me just select the Narmina I've created just for YOU so you can be happy with my attitude.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering where this "being a nice person" comes from. I came up with a possible reason:

The second my grandma would see me, she used to say: “If I wasn’t here, you wouldn’t be here. I’m the reason you’re alive.”

Maybe that planted a belief:
If I'm here, I have to be worthy.
And being worthy = serving, living for others.
Because if I exist because of others, then I owe them, need to prove I'm worthy of being exist.

My brain hardwired to this belief.

Or, simply I am just a really nice person who want to help anyone? (but herself). Why would I want to *help* someone? Is it because my morality just reached its highest level that I have nothing to do but help the HUMANKIND??!!!! yes, what the f?!

So I’d bounce between explanations, trying to find "why I am like this? well..I am too this.. I am too that. or why I am like this that I don't like? why I'm continue being like this if I hate this version of me?" lots of self-criticization and self-judgment, hateful speech mumbling in my head all the time.

Then for a moment (which happened recently), I started not to care of the reason why I am like this. What would I do even if I did find the answer, right? Why bother myself? Whatever the reason was, saying yes, being the nice one for others had become my comfort zone. And because my brain hates discomfort, it does what it likes without caring about my feelings. But then it leaves me alone with the hateful feelings I had to deal. And the truth: I needed so badly to get the f out of that zone. Being in that skin that I hated was heavy af.

the hell..just typing “the skin I hate” scares me now. That’s how much I despised that version of me—the always-agreeing, always-pleasing self I was trapped and couldn’t stand anymore. What the fuck I was going through?

Things have shifted.

Enough. I said enough.

I've been through hell because of my brain (or maybe character is the right word?). I’m not exaggerating. Because of this conforming side of me, I had countless breakdowns, days of crying myself to sleep, breaking down in random places, hating myself, hating this version of Narmina: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!!!”

Over and over again, I kept walking the same familiar path. After dying and being reborn from my own ashes again, just to understand that I did not learn my lesson yet. Giving myself promises 'this was the last time, never again'. But I kept breaking them, until I was back between two worlds: the real Narmina, the one I cherished and longed to live as, and the shadow of my past who stepped forward whenever *someone needed something*. I would bend, soften my edges, adjust, become someone I wasn’t, sacrificing my truth and values and playing the “nice one” just so no one felt hurt because that old version of me feared even the idea of causing the slightest discomfort, because she feared hurting others more than she cared for herself.

And the funny thing is, I know this: it’s the same cycle every time, different faces, new names, the same ending over and over, until I learn the lesson I’ve been running from.

so.. after the last breakdown, I asked myself: How many fires do you need to walk through before you learn this? How many same breakdowns you need to have? Enough with calling yourself a phoenix, romanticizing the inner struggle, writing a mythical version of your life.

Get back to reality.

And, here's the reality: if it doesn’t serve me, the answer is no. I am my only guarantee. I AM my way out. Every time I do something that isn’t me that doesn’t serve me, I feel it immediately. Those small patterns - adjusting, conforming.. feels like turning my back on my true self, the Narmina I love. And turning your back to yourself is a true betrayal.

What I actually want is true isolation.
To work.
No distraction.
To have no contact with anyone unless it’s urgent.
No casual meetings. No hanging out “just because.”

That’s the only way I serve the real me.

It happens someone in the industry saw in a coffeeshop, approaches, “Hey Narmina, I’m working on this la-la project, it’s na-na-na, I want to do SEO… what do you think? la-la-la, da-da-da…”.

Inside me, I want to help, because if someone seeks help from me, I feel like I have to be there for them.

I used to say “yes, of course, just text me, I’ll do my best.” Then later I’d have to say, “sorry, I don’t have time.” I did this with everything. I was actually known for it: nope, she won’t come; nope, she’ll change her mind. People used to say I’m like the wind, unpredictable, you never quite know which way I’ll go.

Well.. not anymore.

I'm so close to get lost, when I leave home, I put my phone on "do not disturb" mode because I don't want any notification. Any! well.. maybe from METE.

I think it’s simple: I’ve always prioritized others, caring more about them than myself. My yoga instructor once told me, “You’re the most loveless person born on the 14th of February.”

The love I show others should be directed toward me. (actually..when we fail to become who we truly are, we end up faking instead of living..and what we offer others is no longer real love anyway.)

For my whole life, I told myself, “I have commitment issues.” Now I know, it’s not that I’m unable to commit. It’s that the kind of commitment where I have to sign up to be framed and boxed by others’ expectations felt like abandoning myself… and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I struggle only with committing to things that aren’t me. Because what is me is someone who wants to be free and build. I chose this life—harder, yes, but mine. A path where I get to be myself without apologizing. And beside me are a few people, 3 at most, they see the real Narmina, not the performing one. They don’t expect a watered-down, pleasing, shrinking version of me—they expect the one who thinks, dreams, creates. And that’s the only version I’m willing to commit to.

And maybe that’s what growth really looks like:
not becoming someone else, but finally becoming the person you were supposed to be.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to star-shopping.

Cheers.