I am a learner, a slow learner, but I learn my lesson.

Everything I’ve lived through led me to one truth: when I betray myself, I break. When I stay loyal to myself, magic happens.

Understanding was simple, not the implementation.

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Recently I realized something uncomfortable about myself.

I've realized that the second I say yes, I regret it. And, it's not like I hate committing.

When someone asks something of me, I'd say yes (even if I really don't want to..). And the moment I do, it becomes an obligation. It feels life-or-death. Like I have to do it.

And I feel like I’ve lost my freedom.

Inside me, the having to and the wanting to are constantly fighting. The truth is, the 'having to' part is a default setting.

It's because of a fear, the fear of not meeting expectations - expectations people have already created for their version of me. And if I say no, I feel like I’m invalidating myself, I’m failing the Narmina character people carry in their heads. This feels like a personal failure.

(WHO CARES? WHO? CARES? Everyone has different version of Narmina in their mind in any way, right..?)

It happens someone in the industry sees me in a coffeeshop, approaches, “Hey Narmina, I’m working on this la-la project, it’s na-na-na, I want to do SEO… what do you think? la-la-la, da-da-da…”.

Inside me, I want to help, because if someone seeks help from me, I feel like I have to be there for them.

Why it's fucking hard to tell "i don't want to"

I used to say “yes, of course, just text me, call me tomorrow, I’ll do my best.” Then later I’d have to find an excuse not to do.

And I know that, it was solely my mistake that I let others create that Narmina character for themselves -> who's been always conforming, couldn't turn down any ask.

And then, later, I had to deal with the consequences alone.

I shouldn't have said "yes".
I shouldn't have acted "nice".
I should've said, oh sorry, I did not mean to disappoint you, let me just select the Narmina I've created just for YOU so you can be happy with my attitude.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering where this "being a nice person" comes from (if this is really about being a nice person).

Maybe it’s because, the moment my grandma would see me, she’d say, “You’re here because of me.” And somewhere along the way, that turned into this feeling that I have to earn my right to be here.. to be worthy of living. And that slowly started to mean living for other people’s expectations.

Maybe, I'm just a really good person who want to help? Why would I want to *help* someone? Is it because my morality just reached its highest level??!!!! yes, what the f?!

But I realize that I make a sharp ethical point here: if I say I betray myself to help, then the help isn’t pure; it’s mixed with fear, image-management, and later resentment.
Does this mean my “nice” becomes a kind of dishonesty, because the motive isn’t free..?

So I’d bounce between explanations, judging myself.. "why I am like this? well..I am too this.. I am too that. or why I am like this that I don't like? why I'm continue being like this if I hate this version of me?" lots of self-criticization and hateful speech mumbling in my head all the time.

I needed so badly to get the f out of that zone. Being in that skin that I hated was heavy af.

I've been through hell because because of persona I built to survive in others' worlds.

Enough. I said enough.

Because of this conforming side of me, I had countless breakdowns, days of crying myself to sleep, breaking down in random places, hating myself, hating this image: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!!!”

Whom to blame?

Over and over again, I kept walking the same familiar path.. just to understand that I did not learn my lesson yet. Giving myself promises 'this was the last time, never again'. But I kept breaking them, until I was back between two worlds: the real Narmina, the one I cherished and longed to live as, and the *fear* that stepped forward whenever *someone needed something*. I would bend, soften my edges, adjust, become someone I wasn’t, sacrificing my truth and values and playing the “nice one” just so no one felt hurt because that old version of me feared even the idea of causing the slightest discomfort, because she feared hurting others more than she cared for herself.

Reality: I swear, if I didn’t conform, nobody would give a fuck. the world doesn’t orbit me - us. So why are we so devoted to being digestible—so careful, so edited—when their attention is a brief candle and ours turns into a bonfire? 

And the funny thing is, I know this: it’s the same cycle every time, different faces, new names, but the ending is the same, over and over, until I learn the lesson I’ve been running from.

so.. after the last breakdown, I asked myself: How many fires do you need to walk through before you learn this? How many same breakdowns you need to have?

Enough with calling yourself a phoenix, romanticizing the inner struggle.

Get back to reality.

I asked this question: Who is this "myself"? Who is this self I'm referring to?

When I say “the real Narmina,” me, myself, I don’t mean another identity or another version to become. I mean what is left when the image they built for me and I conformed is no longer running, controlling my life.

A couple of days ago, a good friend asked:

"What do you love about yourself?"

I could not find any. What a pity. And he said:

“You don’t love yourself because you don’t value what you’re doing. Look around: how many people actually stick to things the way you do? You don’t value your own effort, so you never feel enough. No matter what you do, it still isn’t enough for you.”

I’ve always prioritized others' expectations and their versions of me, caring more about them than myself. My yoga instructor once told me, “You’re the most loveless person born on the 14th of February.”

And it’s true in a weird way: I give love outward so easily, but when it comes to myself, I act like I need to qualify for it first: "love must be earned"

For my whole life, I told myself, “I have commitment issues.” Now I know, it’s not that I’m unable to commit. It’s that the kind of commitment where I have to sign up to be framed and boxed by others’ expectations felt like abandoning myself… and I don’t want to do that anymore.

Actually..when we fail to become who we truly are, we end up faking instead of living..and what we offer others is no longer real love anyway.

You know where all this comes from? The ego.
We humans like to build an identity—attach expectations, desires, images, stories… and then call it me. But who is that Jenny, John? Who is that name? Those desires belong to the name, not to what you actually are.

Then suffering begins.
“This person hurt me.”
“This person doesn’t match with the image I created.”

And the trouble begins when this identity or image is created by others' expectations.

People like to expect. He should respect me, she should behave in that certain way so she doesn't embarrass me. Again, who is this "me" that you're referring to? Who are "you" that is getting hurt or disrespect? Is it really you or the image you created by expectations of others?

It is not you, not Narmina, not Alexander, not Mete who is hurt or disappointed. It is the ego, with all its desires and images. The image you create for others wants to be protected. The image wants to be fulfilled, to be validated..

When we are not clinging to any image or identity that others creates it for us and we conform, that is when we are truly ourselves, and free!

Anyway.

I don’t want to be loved for a version of me that costs me my life and freedom.

This was the end of my writing therapy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to star-shopping.

Cheers.

——

update:

I found an old note in my phone today.

Four years old. I had no memory of writing it. In it, I said: “I’m here for one purpose: to make people happy.”

I don’t judge her for writing that. I don't really know what she was going through at that time. In short, this was me. Something is odd: